My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
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I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
People who scream on roller-coasters : Did you not expect it to go fast down the hill?
Motion-activated paper towel dispensers should define what motion activates them. I’ve yet to get one until I’ve done the entire hokie-pokie
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
˙ɯɹɐɥ ʎuɐ ǝɯ op ʇ,upıp ʇı puɐ pןıɥɔ ɐ sɐ pɐǝɥ ʎɯ uo pǝddoɹp sɐʍ ı
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
A lorry carrying pens, rulers and compasses has overturned on the M1.
Traffic is currently stationery in both directions.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
I told my date I was depressed. I added, “not like cut my inner thigh depressed, but sleep with you even though I don’t like you depressed.”
Being attacked by a shark is frightening enough…
But it’s even more terrifying when you notice he also has a big cold sore on his lip.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
the average goat is 9 carrots tall if you measure goats in carrots
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
My kids: what are we having for…
ME: LEFTOVERS
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
People I hate when I’m driving:
1. Everyone. I hate everyone when I’m driving.
huge valentines day plans this year!!
me (on desert island): good thing i was able to grab this CD player & my 5 fav CDs
other survivor: I saw you put down bread & pick those up
normalize being naked at the laundromat so u can wash ALL ur clothes
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
[in the park]
Me: Aww I see you have a puppy too…
Her: uh huh, I guess…
Me: [walks off dragging a beer can on a string]
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳