cats when you pet them too long:
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The number of Piña coladas I drank on vacation is this (my daughter doesn’t want to cruise with me again) many.
superman villains:
darkseid – galactic conqueror
doomsday – indestructible killing machinebatman villains:
the joker – tells little jokes
the riddler – poses little riddles
the penguin – is a penguin
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
*a snake wearing one skinny jean*
The fastest and most deadly land mammal is a woman who has noticed another woman flirting with her man.
[china shop]
Bull: *walks in*
Shopkeeper: oh no
Bull: I’d like to speak to your manager
Shopkeeper: OH NO
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
I’m going to need a moment here.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores?
Same. But I’m in a liquor store.
If you think $1mil/yr is “rich,” guess again! Look at my monthly expenses.
$22k rent
$6k 24/7 manservant
$2k gourds (decorative)
$4.5k jewels, myrrh
$10k ballooning & balloon upkeep
$7k magazines
$9k condor egg omelettes
$11k misc unguentsI’m barely getting by.
Wife: [on phone]
Me: Who are you calling?
Wife: The fire department.
Me: Why?
Wife: I need a permit to light your birthday candles.
Sometimes I feel like my dog is deeply disappointed in my lack of concern about the potential dangers of allowing our neighbors walk by our house
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
Have kids so you can spend 2 hours making a nutritious meal and have it be labeled “yucky” by a tiny person whose last meal was boogers.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy
Me to kid: go tell your brother dinner’s ready
The same kid right beside me:
It’s important to get out of the house every once and a while to remind yourself of why you don’t go out
Her: My baby is 28 months old.
Me: Oh really? I’m 74 inches tall.
Not so fun when YOU have to do the math, is it?
Looking back at all the successes & failures in my life, I can’t help but be proud that at least the potty training thing stuck.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
If you’re out shopping today I’m a size Nordstrom gift card
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Before letters were invented the alphabet song was an instrumental.
My wife is playing hard to get.
Rid of.