My current wife doesn’t like my use of adjectives
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Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
DENTIST: Open
*patient opens mouth*
D: Nice! Stay open
*dentist sheds lab coat-he’s a hermit crab.Crawls in mouth*
D: New home sweet home!
Mom can you come get me?
I wished someone happy birthdsy in the group chat and now everyone is saying birthdsy
[forest]
ME: Gotta be quiet if we’re gonna catch Bigfoot
FRIEND: We want Bigfoot not Bigear!
ME: Haha
BIGEAR: [sobs quietly in the distance]
Why does cake packaging have to be the loudest thing on planet earth? Doesn’t it know that I want to eat it at 3 a.m.?
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
If you’re thinking about getting married just know you can ruin the next eighteen years of your life for a lot less money by buying a cockatiel instead.
“That’s an interesting take,” I say not listeningly.
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
All these people dying on vacation kinda makes me feel better about being poor.
Interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume
Me: yeah I spent ages on it then Word did that thing where all the paragraphs go weird
Interviewer: I mean where you didn’t work for 6 months
Me: well I had to recover from the Word thing
Oh that’s cute you think the worst sound is “nails on a chalkboard”… Here, borrow my kids for an hour.
SERGEANT: we need you to take out the sniper
ME: [stops licking ice cream cone] now?
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
married sext…
him: I’ll be home soon
her: don’t you threaten me
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
I told a joke to my boss and he must have found it really funny because now I get to tell it to HR.
Which essential oils calm down household family members? Chloroform?
It’s chloroform isn’t it?
peter parker: i’m broke i need a job
mary jane: well you invented web shooters, spider-tracers, web wings…
peter: yes! that’s it
mary jane: ya just patent your inventio-
peter: i’lll take pictures of myself and sell them to a newspaper
I go back to work tomorrow, ending my 91 day weekend.
It’s wild that your car has balloons but you only get to play with them if something bad happens
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance.” -Alcohol