*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
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Top Seven Cereal Brands with Sexual Innuendo:
6. Lucky Charms
5. Cream of Wheat
4. Grape Nuts
3. Trix
2. Honey Smacks
1. Nut ‘n Honey
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
My behavior when there is a mosquito in the car while I’m driving suggests I am willing to die in order to kill a mosquito.
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
I don’t need to read the room I already know how it ends
My 4yo was pretending to be a cat before bed, then meowed a few times in his sleep. Now that is commitment to a bit
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
gonna start doing mildly unhinged shit to make people uncomfortable.
heat my food for 73 seconds in the microwave,
sit down in the elevator,
pick up my feet a little too high when i walk
FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.
I like to throw a fake punch at a hooker’s crotch. If she flinches, I know it’s a dude.
I call this next one…
That’s Not How Mom Makes It
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
I haven’t received any good news lately. I’m starting to think that 5th grade fortune teller at my nephew’s fall festival may have been a fraud.
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
if an undercover cop ever tries to sell you drugs make a citizens arrest for possession with intent to sell
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
I installed a mirror inside my fridge to make it look fuller, and now I have two empty fridges.
*wraps bacon in bacon wrapped bacon*
when someone rings the doorbell
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
Olive Garden said “when you’re here, you’re family” so I always bring a family therapist, a lawyer, a young priest, and an old priest with me, in case they are anything like mine.
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
TV: wanna watch a show about a white dude from Wisconsin?
Women: no
TV: he’s a serial killer who eats people
Women: WHY AM I NOT WATCHING THAT RIGHT NOW