CUCUMBER 911: What’s your emergency?
CUCUMBER: Please send help! I’m trapped in a jar full of vinegar!
CUCUMBER 911: hmmm, this is a pickle!
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imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
pisses me off when I’m taking a longer than average drink at the drinking fountain and someone says “hey save some for the fishes” when just before i’d filled up a bucket at the drinking fountain and drove it to the nearest lake and dumped it in there
1st week of school: sandwich cut in a cute shape, sliced fruit, encouraging note.
Last week of school: handful of croutons wrapped in foil.
Friend: hey man what happened to your hand?
Me: just a little boo boo.
Friend: so I see. Is that a paw patrol band-aid?
Me: you know damn well it’s a paw patrol band-aid Steve.
If you are hospitalized for social anxiety you don’t go to the psych ward. You go to the awk ward.
The people who got clotheslined by a landline phone cord
Asa Mitaka
@Kursed___
Who is your target audience when you tweet?
In the Phoenix airport & I just heard a guys laptop say “you’ve got mail”. Pretty sure I’ve landed in 1998.
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
England’s gonna have a rude awakening when they go to war and all their knights are actors and musicians.
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
*skinny dips into black hole
Put “spree” after “killing” and the whole thing suddenly sounds so breezy and upbeat.
Me (a masseur): *applying oil*
Client: Aren’t you supposed to put that on me?
I saw an owl. He stared at me and didn’t fly away. I stared at him and didn’t fly away either.
Dads out on the dance floor just respecting the heck out of the fine craftsmanship of the wood and stain.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
I’ve always been a staunch egalitarian, although occasionally I will eat other birds of prey.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
People found guilty of not using punctuation deserve the longest sentence possible.
At what point should you worry about your drinking?
I bet it’s before your kid builds a Lego brewery.
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
interviewer: can you type fast?
me: yes, that and SEVERAL other words