I cross my legs because I’m a lady and classy and I really need to pee.
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netflix: do you want a more interactive viewing experience?
me: no i want to look at my phone with background noise
netflix: here’s choose-your-own-adventures
me: absolutely not
netflix: DECIDE IN 3 SECONDS
me: this is my worst nightmare
Normalize asking the spelling bee moderator to use it as a safe word. Wait huh
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
5yo: Mommy, how do you know those things?
Me: Well, I’m smart, kiddo.
5yo: *hesitates* I guess so.
My gf and I broke up and are moving into a 2 bedroom so that we can have our own separate spaces but still continue a domestic partnership which I thought was incredibly progressive but is actually exactly what my catholic aunt and uncle who refuse to get divorced are doing.
me: 867-5309… and this is your REAL phone number?
her: yeah, sure
Wearing oven mitts and clicking BBQ tongs:
Ok I’ll look at that rash now.
[zombies banging on the door]
her: they’re here
me: god, I thought you said 8 oclock I haven’t even got the wine chilled
We all look like talking skeletons to Superman. Even his parents. I don’t know how that kid slept at night.
First Obama came for my guns. Then he came for my knives. Then he came for my dinette set. Then he redecorated the whole place. It’s lovely.
*calls boss*
Me: I can’t come to work.
Boss: Why not?
Me: Gotham city needs me.
Boss: …You’re not Batman.
Me: Oh, yes, yes, exaaaactly.
Me: Do you have any three tiered wedding cakes?
Baker: But of course! When do you need it by?
M: No, I’ll just eat it here.
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
I didn’t have to shower alone today…..
Related…….why the hell are there spiders in the winter?
ME: how about a horn solo
DRIVING INSTRUCTOR: that’s not how this works
My daughter can get extra credit by taking a second language class, but I wish she would stop calling it “French, with benefits”.
Him: What time are you picking up the kids?
Me: I’ll leave as soon as I rinse the blood off my car.
Him: What?
Me: What? *click*
Welcome to my home. There are 43 night lights just in case you’d like to wander the house at 3am.
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
boy calls me cute: thanks i guess
boy calls me funny: *voice muffled as I pull my shirt over my head* so I’m thinking a destination wedding
Well if you’re here … then who’s in Loch Ness?
Annnnd that’s how the fight started.
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
I got a shopping cart today with 4 working wheels, it was full of lingerie models and self confidence and I was dreaming
[pinned down by sniper fire]
Squad leader: I’m going in. Hughes, lay down some cover for me
Me [putting a blanket on the floor]: you betcha
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.