Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.
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For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
Netflix My bladder
🤝
Streaming on demand
Me: “Guys, we are leaving in 5 minutes.”
7yo: “Do I need to wear shoes?”
Me: “Yes.”
[4 minutes later]
7yo: “What about pants?”
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
If people on Twitter found a horses’ head in their bed at least 3/4 of them would get a selfie with it before calling the cops…..
Me, twenty minutes after the edible kicks in:
I don’t think Donkey Kong was even a donkey
A lady once dmed and asked if we had internet in Brazil. I think about it a lot
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
I’m going to ask you guys a question… if you are in a car and you press the gas and the brakes at the same time, does it take a screen shot?
Him: What’s in the oven?
Me: Freud chicken.
Him: You mean fried.
Sigmund: Let me out!
Chicken: Me too!
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
Her: I’m going to start cooking without butter.
Me: This isn’t going to work out.
The Roman Empire: was not built in one day
The Ramen Empire: ready in 3 minutes
Can’t believe my daughter said I was embarrassing her by trying to be cool. She needs to check the tude & stop being so wiggity wiggity wack
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
HER: Promise you won’t overreact?
ME: Yes.
H: They said that you were a little dramatic.
M: Swirls cape and plays long organ chord. “Fools!”
Waiter, there appears to be a red bandana in my turtle soup.
doctor: does this make you uncomfortable?
me: yes
doctor: and how about this?
me: yes
doctor: and what about this?
me: please stop kissing my mom
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
Paramedic: *frantically beating his fist on my chest*
2nd paramedic: Tom…TOM…*grabs him* you can stop, he’s dead
Paramedic: I know, I just *exhales* hated him
I decorate for Halloween by opening my bedroom curtains as I walk around naked. Pretty scary stuff for my neighbors.
There should be a special rating system for movies that tells you how uncomfortable you’ll be if you watch them with your parents.
Mommy, I wrote some notes down in my diarrhea.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
Please let her mean diary.
this was the best i’ve ever seen
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.