Horses are a great pet for anyone who’s ever wished their bicycle could make bad choices
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Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
It’s weird how opposites attract, like red wine & a new shirt
today i imagined a fleetwood mac cover band called meatwood flack and then made my brain apologize
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
Orion’s belt? Waist of space!
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
I came to this town with only 8 dollars in my pocket and I turned myself into a success. If it weren’t for the access to another $940K I had in the bank, it might have been damn near impossible.
RELATIONSHIPS: Because sometimes destroying your life is a two person job
Demon: So, we’ve got some mayonnaise and potatoes and a few other random things.
Satan: Excellent. Now mix them all together and call it a salad.
*shouting like a carnival barker* Worry, worry, worry!
texting with my sister in law fighting for my life to keep up with her exclamation points
Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.
Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.
Air used to be free at the gas station, now it’s $1.50. Know why?
Inflation
Whenever there’s a bee trapped inside my house, I always open all the doors and windows so all the other bees can join it and it doesn’t die alone.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
I started a petition to ban people from collecting autographs.
So far I’ve got 50,000 signatures.
I used to think Pet Insurance was a waste of money but my cat is at the vets & they’ve sent us a really lovely little courtesy cat.
Have a blessed Friday, may it be filled with…
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
Jealous that secret agents can get out of any phone conversation at any time by saying “it’s not safe to talk on the phone right now”
Oh we’ve met.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me:
Teen: [returns to bedroom]
Me: [starts reorganizing baking pans]