Bury me in a shirt that says “not a zombie” so I can trick everyone when I’m a zombie
You Might Also Like
Me: Alexa, tell me about your new privacy policy.
Alexa: Your next door neighbor said you guys were hillbillies.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Mike Pence has a strong resume, including Governor of Indiana and Shawshank Prison Guard. #VPDebate
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
[morgue]
mum: [crying over my bullet ridden body] how did this happen
cop: the robber yelled “everyone be cool” so he tried to do a kickflip
If you wanna be classy, just use the word “whilst.”
Example: I know I just met you, but can you cum on my face whilst I pinch my nipples?
Women are scary.
Take me, for example…I said goodnight to a guy, weeks ago, and he’s so afraid to say the wrong thing, he STILL hasn’t replied.
When I said “anything for you”, I meant I’ll make you a nice cup of tea, not that I’ll help you to fake your own death as part of a massive life insurance fraud.
i hope jessica biel names her first child ‘batmo”
Just tell people you have a podcast, nobody’s going to check.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Christmas decorating 101 – Puts fake snow on Halloween decorations
Your move Martha Stewart
you (uneducated, wastes time): *pours half & half into your coffee*
me (math genius, time efficient): *pours 1 into my coffee*
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
friend: “ok, when does a joke become a ‘dad joke’?”
me, with no hesitation: “when it becomes apparent”
*me on my deathbed* here, I want you to have my basket of cords.
I’m not sure how much longer I can live in the city. The seagulls, the flies, the rats. They’re all so expensive here.
BBC crime shows on Netflix:
– Inspector Grimpenchester
– The Hangman’s Ax
– Get Me Bumblry!
– Miss Lettie Pennyfeather’s Detective Concern
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
How to beat depression:
1) Talk to someone
2) When that person says “just cheer up,” beat that person with a baseball bat.
Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
the difference between cupcakes and your opinion is that I asked for cupcakes
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
When I was pregnant and people would ask where I was registered I’d reply:
Pet Smart, we’re crate training this one
You act like no one at work has ever asked you to apply ointment to a bunion before.