Dogs can’t talk and everyone loves them.
This is not a coincidence.
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Pretty much! 😂👀
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Back from the dentist, my teeth are now the most expensive things I own.
One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Jesus needed to sleep in a cave for 3 days and he didn’t even have kids
cop: do you know why i pulled you over
me: can you just shoot me please
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
It took Marcel only a few meals to realize he didn’t like being a French cat.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
“I’m taking a social media break.”
– People who will be back in 7 minutes.
‘Nuts and bolts’ would be a good name for a diary of one night stands.
Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier
My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late
I’m fairly certain my dogs would run away and hide if I’m ever attacked by a leaf.
If you’ve been waiting me to drop a lent tweet, I tried coming up with one and gave up.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
My cat likes to meow at me a lot. I like to meow back at him.
Sometimes when I meow back he stops meowing and I worry that I might have insulted his mum or something
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
GIRLFRIEND: So tell me something I don’t already know about you.
ME: During October I call my Dyson ‘Count Vacula’
HER: I need to see other people.
[3am]
me: *sleeping*
brain: omg you’re late for work!
me: oh shit *jumps out of bed*
brain: lmao you’re so gullible
What’s the optimum number of puppets for a job interview? I know it’s not seven
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.