detective: where’s that footage from the silo robbery?
me: i deleted it.
detective: why?
me: it was all grainy.
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Me: I’ll give you a Wednesday for two Mondays
Stock Broker: that’s not how day trading works
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
I follow mattress delivery trucks around all day, because I like the smell of freshly braked bed.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
*knocks on bedroom window*
*holds up phone *
YOU LEFT ME ON READ!
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
[airplane intercom]
good afternoon ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking why did you leave without me
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
friend: you have to stop envying every single person you know when they find success in something you haven’t. it’s destroying your mental health and poisoning your relationships with your friends.
me: (immediately envious of their maturity and clarity of thought) right. totally
Little known fact:
Centipede’s are the Metric version of Inchworms.
If my mobile provider started charging 3 times as much as their nearest competitor but there was no voicemail, I’d still stay with them.
*stretches*
*stretches*
*stretches*
*finally touches toes*WOMAN ON BUS: Stop touching my feet, creep.
coconuts are mammals. i know this because they are furry, they produce milk, and make excellent companions
I was getting mad in traffic earlier and my 3-year-old said “all you can do is calm down and let the cars go” and now I have a therapist.
my grandpa: this pizza has no toppings
me: close the box, turn it over, and open it again
my grandpa: well i’ll be damned
As an atheist I don’t receive many xmas cards and the ones I do disproportionately say “may God have mercy on your soul.”
Me: So tired
Brain: IKR!! But wait, who organised the alphabet…
M: Please don’t
B: N how do we know it’s not actually disorganized?
Just deep cleaned the whole house, so disaster should ensue in 3…2…
“MOM! CAN I MAKE A SMOOTHIE?”
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
I just smile when someone says I eat like a horse, because it’s hard to argue through a mouthful of sugar cubes.
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
I just don’t understand how moats ever went out of style.
Egg nog was invented in Germany back in 1816 when Baron Von Heldebrandt reportedly said “Hey guys, let’s get this custard drunk!”
Self awareness can be great but it likes to roast the shit out of you when you try to sleep
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Me: I love peanuts but can’t be bothered chewing them.
Peanut butter salesman: Oh boy, have I got the thing for you!
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.