We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
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doctors won’t tell you this but reattaching a limb isn’t that hard what’s hard is getting it to stay after it’s had a taste of freedom
I buried a time capsule when I was 9. This is the year we are going to dig it up.
I can’t wait to see how big my puppy got.
Just told my toddler to eat 5 bites of her dinner, to which she replied I was horrible. So I counted the number 3 twice. Biotch.
It took me 9 self inflicted ER visits, but that nurse finally realized it was love at first sight.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
Here’s my impression of an astronomer discovering that an asteroid is coming to destroy earth: “This will make me famous but not for long”
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
A horror movie, but it’s just me afraid to go into the kitchen after the kids made cookies by themselves for the first time
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
Can’t wait for the google doodle guy to get dumped and make things super personal.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
An audiobook that is 8 hours of breathing and page turning with a surprised “Oh, out loud?” right at the end.
Dear diary, although he was a malevolent killer, the headless horseman was really well dressed. My emotions about this are confusing.
[Facebook]
Wife: Hubby is making breakfast for dinner![real life]
Me: *tosses Cheerios at the baby*
When I say “wow, that’s crazy”, 99 percent of the time, it means I haven’t been listening to a word of your conversation.
When an elevator stops on a floor and no one gets on or off, I always think ghost.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
In the garden centre and a woman’s screaming:
“DON’T PUT YOUR FINGER IN THAT VENUS FLY TRAP AGAIN JOHN!”
Everyone looks over expecting a child and there’s John, 70, with his finger in a Venus fly trap.
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
If you ever have a moment of self-doubt, just remember that Kanye rhymed “collagen” with “apologi’n” so you can do anything.
Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
*lights a joint*
Woah, fire! Ow! My elbow!
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
friend: where have you been all day
me: hunting shapeshifters
friend: maybe it’s time to turn in
me: [narrows eyes] turn into what
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.