I think everyone would benefit if women had Oxford commas instead of periods.
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That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Probably the most humiliating thing that can happen when you die is that you come back as a fitted-sheet ghost.
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
[visiting Hell as a tourist]
Satan: good morning, how do you want your eggs
Me: how bout *finger guns* deviled
Satan: congratulations you get to stay here
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
I birthed my kid faster than she can put on shoes
How did we not see this back then?
Me: All these people posting wacky things they did in lockdown. I WAS TOO BUSY.
Also Me: *remembering the household playing ‘Hide the Onion’, where one person hides an onion & if you find the onion, you declare the onion found & re-hide the onion. This went on for 2 months*
You can tell a lot about a person by
what they swallow first when a cop
pulls um over.
[At Fancy Restaurant]
Her: I’ll have the oxtail topped with quail egg.
Him: Gimme a steak.
Her: *glares
Him: Uhh, topped with a Cadbury?
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
santa: make me a hundred thousand PlayStations
elf: *holding only a hammer* how
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
50 Shades of Grey is my favorite movie about a dog trying to read a map of the United States.
He jumped out of the airplane wearing nothing but the hand knitted parachute that his Nanna made especially for him.
I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Pandas are proof that you can get fat from just eating salad.
Not to brag about how well my diet is going, but I just had to put a whole new hole in my belt.
Sure it was at the wrong end, but that’s still progress, right?
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
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barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
[heist]
Me: *presses stethoscope against bank safe
Thief: well?
Me: omg…
[cut to safe being pushed rapidly down hospital corridor]