dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
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Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
The hardest thing Vision has to do
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
I asked my 5yo if he wanted leftover chicken for dinner, he said ‘ew, that’s a whole day old’ and I didn’t know I gave birth to a mini Gordon Ramsey.
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
She said she liked it doggy style…
…but when I threw the frisbee, she didn’t even budge.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Started a hate list & so far I just have myself & the ladle from Jurassic park
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: omg, yay.
BOWIE: Just for one day.
ME: I actua—I think it’s gonna take longer than that.
BOWIE: We can be heroes.
ME: No, I get that. It’s jus—it’s a length issue.
BOWIE: Forever and ever.
ME: I don’t…*rubbing temples* something between those, maybe?
Life was good until I ripped my pants… now life is good and ventilated.
Wife: Talk sexy to me
Husband: Commencing garment extraction
W: Huh?
H: Initiating trouser disengagement
W: …
H: Removing unmentionables
It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.
Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change
It’s a doge eat doge world out there. Such cutthroat. Very survival of the fitter
Sorry I said “You’ll do” instead of “I do” at our wedding.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Me: Read this tweet.
Wife: Sure.
Me: Is it racist?
Wife: No.
Me: Sexist?
Wife: No.
Me: Is it offensive at all?
Wife: No.
Me: *deletes tweet*
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
[Assembling scratching post to save the new sofa]
My cat: lol no
[Work Lunchroom]
Co-worker: Man, remember when we we were poor and used to eat things like Mac n Cheese with hotdog at every meal?
Me: *slowly closing my bag lunch* *nervous chuckle* Haha. Yeah totally.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
Took an edible and got so nervous on this flight that I started petting someone else’s service dog.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works