If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
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8y/o: Do prisons have libraries?
Me: Yeah, usually.
8y/o: Yay! So I can still read when I’m in prison.
My headstone will probably read “5 lbs from goal weight.”
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
My favorite yoga pose is the one where you eat a sandwich.
Yeah, it was hard talking the little lady into it; but I showed her the top child psychologists agree that competition is healthy amongst siblings. So that’s Gargamel, our 7 year old, and our 3 year old baby girl here is named Papa Smurf.
Wife: It’s like every man on earth has to share one brain
Me: [can’t think of a good comeback because it’s not my turn to use the brain]
How do I form meaningful friendships as an adult without enrolling in grad school or joining a cult?
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Me: What do mathematicians and marine biologists have in common?
Wife: Oh god
Me: They study algae, brah!
Judge: Divorce granted
Always live on the bottom floor it’s further from heaven and harder for God to see you sinning
my kids don’t always go to the bathroom but when they do they need to use the same bathroom at the same time, all together
Gilmore girls is a fantasy about living in a walkable community
Billboard just announced the song of the summer. It’s the sound of your spouse chewing.
If I had to pick a favorite Rocky movie, it’d be Rocky IV. I’ve never seen it but I hear Creed dies in that one & I really hate their music.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
Friend: Show her you will go the extra mile.
[Later]
Her: You passed our stop.
Me: I am aware.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
God: you’re a fire ant.
Fire Ant: what does that mean?
God: when you bite something it burns like fire.
Fire Ant: [gasp] you mean I’m a dragon?
God: what-no.
Fire Ant: i’m the teensiest dragon!
Her: You’re an insensitive jerk.
Me:
Her: You only think about yourself.
Me:
Her: And your tweets aren’t funny.
Me: YOU TAKE THAT BACK!
If a spoon doesn’t stand up straight in a cup of coffee you’re not brewing it right.
if you’re a 28 year old who has snorted ketamine in an art gallery bathroom, it seems that you are not, in fact, “baby.” a baby wouldn’t do that
I’ve been turning my clocks back a minute per day for the last 59 days so this shit is going to be smooth sailing for me, suckers.
(Jupiter –
Alright so I have a pretty good joke for if Pirates Of The Carribean was nominated for several academy awards and lost all of them that the host could say and it’s this: “I’ve heard of not a dry eye in the house, but not an aye aye in the house?”
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
Area Man Already Knows Which Chicken Tender He’s Saving For Last
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”