I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
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Smoking will kill you. Bacon is bad for you.
But smoking bacon will cure it.
😂😂
My driver’s license says I’m an organ donor but jokes on them because I have a piano.
KIDS: trick or treat
ME: hang on guys I’m still setting up the sushi bar. Who likes eel?
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEACHER: I don’t know, CAN you?
BILLY: *Sigh* MAY I sacrifice a goat to the great demon Belphegor?
TEACHER: Maybe after crafts.
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
5 told me she was really sad but didn’t want to say why so I said if she talks about it, it might make her feel better and she said “I’m sad because there’s no caramel cheese” and now we’re both sad
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
When people ask me for something at work I say, “Sure! Let me see here..” and rummage around in my desk drawer until they leave
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
Just pretended to not know what a Cheeto was to get an extra sample at Costco
*walks into work 20 minutes late*
*boss glares at me*
“Sorry. Traffic.”
*boss gestures to my Starbucks cup*
“Oh this? I found it.”
Can you imagine how fast those clowns who make balloon animals can roll a joint.
society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
my mom yesterday: do u work tomorrow
me: yes
my mom today: do u work today
me: yes i already told u
my mom when i’m at work: where are u
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Happy: So there’s saliva on the foot area of Snow White’s glass coffin
*Dwarves all turn their heads*
Kinky: Oh, blame the new guy
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
MOM: putting him in sports was a bad idea
DAD: yup
ME (in right field wearing my cup on my face): hey coach look at me I’m Bane lol
Sometimes I look at my children and think “What did I do to deserve this?”
And other times I think “What did I do to deserve this?”
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
Please. Do not push me into the pool. The pockets of my cargo shorts are filled with packets of Kraft Mac & Cheese powder.