Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
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Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Netflix: Are you still watching?
me: yes
Netflix: is that a book in your hands?
me: *gulp* no
Iron Man’s cat is a Fe lion
if Taylor watched me at work I’d probably do really well too idk
Your kid is old enough to drive, lady, get him out of the shopping cart.
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Make it worse by saying they look tired.
The vaccine is amazing, but it will not make you magnetic. The only way to get magnetized is to stand at the top of a lighthouse wearing a mysterious amulet during an eclipse
AMERICA:
Here in the UK
we refer to Jay Z as “Jay Zed”
Ice T as “Ice Ted”
And LL Cool J as “Led Led Cool Jed”
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
911: Whats ur emergency?
“OMG my neighbours cat is stuck on the roof-”
911: Ma’am, this is an emergency only service-
“-of my sons mouth.”
Need WebMD
Giving my wife a drum solo for christmas she ain’t better than Jesus.
Taking 10 and 8 fishing this morning. How long will it take before someone has a hook in them and crying has started? Cause I’m saying 3 mins.
me: could you put this ring at the bottom of my date’s champagne glass
waiter: [refusing to take the funyun] no
Life tip – buy a birthday card with your morning bottle of wine and people will think it’s a gift.
You are welcome.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
Ways to know a guy at the bar wants to take you home:
1. He talks to you.
2. He buys you a drink.
3. That drink makes you REALLY sleepy.
My child: Picks cookie with the most icing
Also my child: Won’t eat the cookie unless every bit of extra icing is carefully scraped off
Sir this bag is too heavy, you’ll have to pay an extra $25 to check it.
Sure thing *dumps 2500 pennies from bag onto counter*
mechanics be like
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
It is estimated that, on average, American children spend nearly 40% of their waking hours Not Gaming. That number is even worse among marginalized communities. I refuse to accept this in the richest country in the world.
school taught me a lot of useless stuff but nothing tops state capitals. if i’m ever in a career that depends on me knowing where Delaware’s governor works i have made some serious missteps in life
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Do NOT play Yahtzee with squirrels.
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
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They don’t want to talk to you. But they’re there.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay