Bryan Adams: in the summer of ‘69
Danny Zuko: I remember it well because my mouth got all sandy
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Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
*impulsively buys a private island
*frolics on the island for several weeks
*gets Mastercard bill in the mail
WHAT THE F–oh yeah the island
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
Have kids so you can find a banana peel in your washing machine AFTER you washed your clothes.
Gonna get a job at Starbucks and write “Chad” on every cup.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
what my roast potatoes see when they’re in the oven
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
DOCTOR: You need to excercise portion control.
ME: Thank God. For a second I thought you said I needed to exercise.
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
[first day as a loan shark] I’ve got you down for 500 sharks
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
“I said, ‘No’”
– me, about to give my dog my sandwich
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
Here’s where I leave the earth for good.
Me: I’m so bored I literally have nothing to do
*10 upcoming assignments due tomorrow*
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
Finally found a job ad that didn’t mention ‘attention to detail’ or ‘team player’. Finally!
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.