A one night stand where you make it clear you don’t want to see each other again should be called a Humpty Dumpty.
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My mom registered to see me speak at an academic conference at Yale, and under “affiliation” on the form she wrote “Sarah’s mom” 😂
Wife: “I’d do anything for a cupcake.”
Me: “Anything?”
*drives to store*
*brings home cupcakes*
*discovers “anything” includes lying*
PILOT OVER INTERCOM: alright folks, by a show of hands, who has ever made a small and understandable mistake?
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
What do ppl who say “please excuse the mess” when their house is like a museum, want from us?
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
I took my kids to the pool for the first time this season.
I figured they’d wear themselves out in an hour.
Instead, we’re on hour three, and they’re still going strong, while I need a nap.
Maybe they can carry me home.
Me: Thanks
Cashier: No, thank YOU
Me: …if this is a thank you-off, you better buckle the hell up
sorry i’m late i had to catch a chicken is something i’d never thought i’d say, but here we are
(On a date at Whole Foods) “Isn’t this place great?”
Cashier: “Sir, please stop standing on the dates.”
You shouldn’t sneak up on me like that, it’s rude!
Cop –
So ! Technically it’s YOUR fault I was speeding, because I didn’t see you
Just saw 2 men with nets, a bag of worms and some rods. Definitely something fishy going on
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
Unless you’ve been in Target with more than 1 child, you have no idea what it’s like to be a lion tamer.
Drank some paint and have now added “interior decorator” to my CV.
If someone posts a picture of their kid on Facebook making a stupid face, I like to comment with, “Oh, NOW I see the resemblance!”
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
I always take my fingers out of my ears & clap after each karaoke song performance.
My wife claims watching me do karate “isn’t foreplay.” Why am I even alive.
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
My signature move is parking closely to the sports car at the end of the lot taking up four spaces.
Getting to watch kids discover “firsts” is really amazing, like when the 3yo announced his toy was doing a handstand with his feet
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
Don’t you hate when you take a power nap and wake up 22 hours later and everybody at work is staring at you?
I just want to be wealthy enough to not have my windshield wipers sound like a congregation of dying frogs.
Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
Westjet tells you to show up 2 hours early, which usually means you’ll be arriving at the airport 8 hours before your flight leaves.
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night