“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
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Horse Trainer: OK, so THIS is a very rare breed of unicorn.
Her: He’s kind of uncomfortable to ride.
Horse Trainer: Well, if you sat on its back….
interviewer: we’ve decided to go with another candidate
me [slides can of spinach across table]: what about now?
interviewer: wrong popeyes
me [slides second can of spinach across table]: and now?
Am I unemployed … or just playing hard to get with capitalism
Our landline rang today and all three of our kids got confused and went outside because they thought a fire alarm was going off.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
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.
.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
Never forget.
Working from home really has its benefits. I can’t even remember the last time I wore pants.
Woman delivering my pizza:
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
It’s been almost six years since my first child was born, and three years from my second. I’m about to attempt a feat I haven’t dared for as long.
I’m about to put on a white shirt.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Attention children:
Mom is closed.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
wife: are you cheating on me?
me: no
wife: where were you between 5-8 then?
me: elementary school but i don’t think that’s related
[to the person sitting next to me at the movie theatre] you here for the movie?
If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
[behind a customer in line at a coffee shop who is taking forever to decide what to order]
me: hey.them: yeah?
me: try the coffee.
You know, one day auto correct will completely collapse, and that day will be gloria’s!!
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
[God making water]
“it helps plants”
ANGEL: nice
“cleans things”
A: ok
“u die if u don’t drink it”
A:
“& drown if u drink it wrong”
A: what
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
WAITER: the duck is organic & cruelty-free
ME: can i order a duck who endured lots of cruelty
WAITER: what why
ME: a duck killed my father
Adonis folding laundry is still Adonis…but hotter because he’s folding laundry
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates
Read my skeleton’s diary today. Anyone know what “loathsome flesh blanket” means?
You can’t just ask me why it takes me so long to get ready, would you tell Medusa to comb her snakes faster