Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
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I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
My 12 year old saw one tick at this cabin and now he’s requesting an airborne tactical extraction.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
I believe the children are our future. Teach them well and let them lead the way.
A step-by-step guide on how to not finish anything.
Step One: Have kids.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
“and how does that make you feel?”
He’s dead
* Falls down rock face
* Breaks legs. Bleeds profusely
* Slowly reaches for pocket
* Pulls out phone
* Checks twitter notifications
Brain: he must study-how?
*Hormones raise hand*
H: we could hit him with pimples, kill the social life?
B: *whispers*
It’s for his own good.
DOCTOR: Im sorry, I can’t see you right now
ME: [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol that is so awesome
[loud bar]
Her: I have to urinate
Me: What?
H: Urinate
M: What?
H: URINATE!
M: Well, YOU’RE a 10!
H: Huh? No! You’re like a 5. I gotta pee.
2019: Keto is a lifestyle
2020: Cheeto is a lifestyle
Hugh Jackman denies ever taking steroids to transform into Wolverine:
“I had been told what the side effects are… I don’t love my job that much.”
Me: I prefer the natural look
Sephora: oh, then you’ll need these 15 products
Congratulations, Americans who write “Cheers” at the end of e-mails. You’ve found something even more pretentious than “Sent from my iPhone”
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
[Stick Insects Anonymous]
Group Leader: “There’s no easy way of saying this. But I believe one of you may be a plant.”
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
ME: Can I have the job please
INTERVIEWER: I meant, like, questions ABOUT the job
ME: Ah, yes. About the job: Can I have it
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
BRENDA: I brought cookies!
ME: I guess I can have one, I’ve been good all week
*eats cookie*
*eats entire tray of cookies*
*eats Brenda too*
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
Seven words literally no one wants to hear from their teenager, ”how much would a new toilet cost?”