*pulls home cooked meal out of oven*
*family awkwardly stares at me*
Yup, this is definitely not my house.
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Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
Some guy in a strange costume walked up my front steps but when I went to give him some candy he just gave me some mail
I never understood why they were called chicken tenders until I let one caress my face.
Never carry too many grudges at once, make a few trips so you don’t throw your back out.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Making crop circles IS a full time job, Troy. No one gets funding to study aliens if there are no aliens to study. Duh.
My doctor said I need to eat more greens, so I got myself a pint of mint ice cream.
if you won an award for brushing your teeth the worst, would you receive a plaque plaque?
A roomba that swears every time it hits something.
“Do you want to hear a really good Batman impression?”
“Go on then”
“NOT THE KRYPTONITE!”
“That’s Superman”
“Thanks, I’ve been practicing.”
This buffalo chicken salad would be great if it weren’t for all this salad
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
lawyer: your honor, I request a side bar
judge: granted. *cracks open a beer*
Dr: Read the chart for me please.
Me: Needs immediate psych evaluation?
Dr: Ma’am, I was talking about the eye chart.
Should I shampoo my carpet before using my air conditioner?
My sister: *saying what name she has picked out for her baby*
My 10-year-old, in no uncertain terms telling her not to name her baby that: I met a horse with that name.
I’ve made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I never ate candy corn on purpose.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
I’ve opened a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
morpheus: take the blue pill AND the red pill and i’ll show you how deep the rabbit hole goes
me: they both taste exactly the same
morpheus: *waving skittles packet* RIGHT?
me: OH MY GOD