Stealing pillows is not as easy as I thought…
“STOP FRISKING ME
I’M JUST FLUFFY BONED!”
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Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock
Torturer: I’ll cut your fingers off
Me: I’ll NEVER tell you the passcode!
Torturer: I’ll burn your skin
Me: Never talking!
Torturer: I’ll read the poems you wrote in high school
Me: It’s 2547
If I were British I would carry around a monocle and drop it whenever I was horrified
6: I say “yes ma’am” and “no ma’am” to my teacher
Me: You sure didn’t learn those great manners from me. Where’d you learn that?
6: Chick-fil-A
You have advice? For me? I have a $5 Starbucks gift card that’s older than you.
Sorry I didn’t hear a word you just said-I was looking at your man bun and all I could think of was cinnamon rolls.
My roommate went on a bumble date and was nervous so decided to pound shots in her car once she got to the place they were meeting and the guy was parked next to her and watched her chug vodka for 5 minutes.
Dating is rough.
Sick and tired of my bank account taking a hit whenever I buy stuff.
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
ME: *pretending I’m asleep so he has to carry me up to my bed*
COP: Oh dang
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking…
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
Hundreds of creepy clowns terrorizing people across multiple states. On the bright side, they can all be picked up in one police car.
I’m literally crying
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
Attention!! To Whomever has my voodoo doll… I could really use a back rub.
1st base is watching horror movies together. 2nd base is asking if they think birds are real. 3rd base is determining whether they are prepared for a zombie apocalypse. Home base is abandoning society & moving into the woods together.
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
3 years into a relationship and you get a text “i need space” loooool lets sell some furniture then
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
I understand why this patron is so upset. His plan — to come to the library on the last day of tax season and expect to find someone there who would promptly file his taxes for him — seemed, admittedly, foolproof.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
If a guy wants to call a woman ugly online a window should pop up where he has to upload pictures of all the women he’s slept with
Revenge is a dish best served heated unevenly with cold spots.
amazon trucks should play a lil song so we know they’re coming
[first 2 hours of meeting]
Coworker:
[last 2 minutes of meeting]
Coworker: I just have a quick 6 part question involving a complicated and controversial problem that was almost nearly resolved also this isn’t time sensitive at all but I’d still like an answer right now thanks
i like how at the end of old movies it says ‘the end’ so you arent horrorstruck by the thought of a fictional universe persisting unobserved
My spirit animal is a fat raccoon struggling to get into a dumpster