I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
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*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
So I hear that you race cars, do you win many races?
No, the cars are much faster.
me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
When your cat crashes his bicycle in his dream.. 😂
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
This is the coolest video you will see today.
[first date]
him: I love an outdoorsy kind of girl who’s also dirty in bed.
me: * trying to impress* I once slept with a hobo who lives in the woods.
The inventor of the tampon liked it, so he put a string on it
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
Feel like these super villains wouldn’t have to steal so much if they didn’t insist on paying for all their goons to be wearing the same outfit.
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
This is your gentle reminder that one time in the Bible Elijah was like “God, I’m so mad! I want to die!” so God said “Here’s some food. Why don’t you have a nap?” So Elijah slept, ate, & decided things weren’t so bad. Never underestimate the spiritual power of a nap & a snack.
me: can I buy you a drink?
girl: sorry [holds up martini] already got one
me: [spits in it] How about now?
I’m writing a horror story. It’s about a girl who forgets her headphones and her colleagues think it’s ok to talk to her. So much blood.
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
I get it, drug commercials. I too like to dance while I describe all my side effects
[Horsemen tryouts]
APOCALYPSE: I like u guys but I only need 4
*Death, War, Famine, Conquest & Steve look at each other*
STEVE: dang it
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
I found toothpaste on my comb, door and pet tortoise and now I’m reconsidering teaching my child about good oral hygiene.
WHY DOES THIS BOTTLE OF BODY WASH HAVE DIRECTIONS PRINTED ON IT
Do you want to see a 4yo cry on their birthday? Give them a Slinky and wait about 7 minutes.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
If you love someone, let them tweet.