13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
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You don’t need to use your words if you’re carrying a machete. People just seem to figure it out.
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
My husband keeps watching a tv show while complaining about how boring it is, & now I understand how he’s stayed married to me for so long.
90% of parenting older kids is making sure they’re not in the same room when they have to do homework.
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
Scary: A wolf chasing you
Scarier: A werewolf chasing you
Scariest: A werewolf with a clipboard chasing you
I hope the final frame of Breaking Bad is white text on black background: “None of this would have happened if we had Universal Healthcare.”
How’s adulting going for me today u ask?
Well,I just spend 20 minutes looking for my phone in my car
While using my phone as a flashlight.
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
On my flight today I woke up from a nap & an attendant was walking down the aisle holding a pug, saying “we found this pug. Whose pug is this??” And for 3 hours we all just took turns holding the mystery pug until a verrrry stoned man in the last row woke up & was like “Roscoe?!”
“We don’t dry dishes, Mom, that’s air’s job” annoying kid logic that you’re secretly proud of.
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
*6 missed calls*
*5 missed facetime*
*8 unread messages*
I wish I’d worked to learn another language. Only so I’d be more believable when I use language barriers as an excuse to not talk to people
You when you started twitter vs. you now.
[police lineup]
VICTIM: That’s him! The dopey fat guy in the middle.
COP: We haven’t started yet. That’s your own reflection in the glass.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
it’s extremely weird how many reporters are turning in long-read stories about how fabulously wealthy jeff bezos is when it is pretty well known that editors are only really interested in pictures of Spiderman
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
Romeo: *is added to DM room*
Juliet: *is taking a room break*
Romeo: *leaves room*
Juliet: *comes back from room break, sees Romeo isn’t there, leaves*
haven’t gone back to the gym since i kept using my phone and someone asked me if it’s fingers day
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
*puts tiny glases on my pet owl*
*puts tiny lab coat on my pet owl*
*puts tiny stethoscope on my pet owl*
ha ha doctor who
I strike a fierce pose for the camera, then another, and another.
“Can…can you just stand still?” the x-ray technician asks sadly.
Waiter: would you like a water?
Me: ew, gross.
Waiter: what if I add some frozen water to the glass?
Me: tempting.
Waiter: would a dirty lemon wedge seal the deal?
Me: [nods] indeed.