ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
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50 hot dogs in a year? Those are January numbers bud
To the boy who proposed to me in elementary school: can we talk about this once more?
Little kids will ask why you’re crying & when you tell them the reason, they say something like “ok can I go finish my drawing?” Yeah go ahead, Dexter
Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
I lovingly caress my belly.
“You’re expecting?” a woman asks.
I smile serenely. “Just ate an amazing burrito,” I tell her.
Charm me with your intelligence or just wait till I’m really drunk.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I鈥檇 resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
Sometimes, you have to ask yourself: is my potato cheating on me?
MY DOG (sitting at the dining room table, doing his homework): What does anthropomorphise mean?
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
Actually, Sleeping Beauty is the name of the movie. You mean your favorite Disney princess is Aurora. Though I鈥檓 not sure how she can be your favorite if you don鈥檛 even know her name.
Woman at Starbucks ahead of me: Please stop correcting my daughter. She鈥檚 5.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
“ok start it up”
tktktk-puh-buurup-chk-a-chk
“give it some gas”
ss-ss-icka-icka-grrawh-pshhhh
any ideas?
“I can’t hear over you beatboxing”
Those Weren鈥檛 Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 馃ズ
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Walked up to 2 guys talking business and told them “get a conference room!”
My back has gone out more than I have this year.
Monkey: What is this amazing fruit
Other Monkey: they鈥檙e bananas
Monkey: I know I like them too but what are they called
My wife and I have decided we don’t want to have children.
So we are going to tell them tonight at dinner.
if they played poker with potato chips I鈥檇 have a gambling problem
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
WIFE: [handing me crying baby] will u please change him
ME: ok
[drives to hospital]
ME: hi yes my baby is crying can i get a new one
“Time is of the essence”
Twitter: Hahaha nope
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
My neighbours were loud and rowdy last night til 3:30, waking up our kids.
So now my husband is outside starting up the leaf blower and table saw at 9am, in case you wondered what middle class suburban feuds in Canada looked like.
I don鈥檛 want to sound alarmist, but EEEEOOOO EEEEOOOO ANK ANK ANK ANK WOO-OOP WOO-OOP WOO-OOP