Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
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If you do the Macarena while you cold call people to ask about their political opinions that makes you a poll dancer.
I said I was a man with a plan. I said nothing about it being a good plan.
Leftovers implies the existence of rightovers and if you‘ve got extra mac & cheese I’ll be right over.
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
*takes a drag off a Lucky Strike*
me: I was one hell of an athlete back in the day.
young person: Oh yeah? What did you play?
me: Darts.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
The guy I use for odd jobs around the house is amazing; in the last month alone he’s repaired a leaky roof, fixed a broken gate, retiled the bathroom and according to the wife it was him that somehow reversed my vasectomy, too!
Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret. – Ambrose Bierce
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.
I got fired today
“what? why?”
no idea
“you have no idea?”
nope
“I’m confused when did this happen?”
between pre break break and break
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
If you’re a zombie, all trucks are food trucks
Trying this hot water diet where you drink a cup of hot water in the morning but so far all I’ve done is burn my tongue and eat 7 donuts.
My favorite type of Facebook marketplace sales are “people who gradually realize its impossible to get rid of a piano”
Why didn’t they call it Guardians of the Galaxthree
[flirting between USA and Canada]
Canadian: you’re my favourite.
American: no u.
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Interviewer: it says here your interests include connecting people
Me: correcting people, actually
I: no it’s-
Me: i know what it says
Neighbour: You have a ghost in this house
Me: What, really?
Neighbour: Promise me you’ll get an exorcist
Me: I promise
Neighbour: It’s important because you live alone
Me: No I don’t
Her: Thank you, I promise
Me: Oh God
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
The local news says we can tell there’s been a power failure with their new app.
Call me old fashioned but the lack of lights tips me off.