‘Space Jam’ never gets old – that’s because in the sterile environment of space fruit preserves don’t spoil. Hi, I’m Neil deGrasse Tyson.
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Mhm.
My lady bits are ready to be fertilized now….
Flirting is easy!
If God wanted us to be vegetarians, he would have made broccoli more fun to shoot at.
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
Gravy boats are the opposite of boats
My 4yo just tried to pass the 9 yo’s Mother’s Day card as her own, and while I don’t support lying I do respect the hustle
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
HER: Im breaking up with u
ME: Is it because I say “Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s” when things go wrong?
HER: Ya
ME:(under breath) Uh Oh Spaghetti O’s
I just posted a selfie and people told me to get well soon.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
Me: In high school I was voted most likely to cut my own bangs with safety scissors.
Interviewer: I meant any professional achievements.
Amazed that my wife didn’t tell me that today our 8YO had a school field trip, for which both of us got multiple email reminders
“so u have no idea what started the fire” the fireman looks at me. i shake my head no. i nervously fidget with my recipe for a thrice baked potato behind my back
Me: I have over 22k followers on Twitter.
Kid sitting next to me: I have imaginary friends too.
Turns out it only takes three lies to get Pinocchio to slingshot his mask across the room
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
My son just asked me “what’s an integer?” like I’m some sort of astrophysicist
The problem with thieves is that they take things literally.
I’m always trying to trick my wife into believing that one of her favorite celebrities is Canadian. I call it mooselighting.
Should I call tech support or pray or what
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
*bangs toe*
*never calls toe again*
I’ve carefully avoided a running injury all these years by never running.