Having a crush is weird bc one minute you’re a normal person and then out of nowhere you’re like damn I wanna bake that boy a pie
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OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
“No pain no gain” I whisper shoving in my 8th donut.
The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
i love googling stuff. imagine not being able to google stuff. i would know next to nothing about the great molasses flood of 1919.
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
I will be answering all questions with both middle fingers this morning.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
moses: watch me split the red sea in half
red sea: i’ve got a boyfriend
I never had to swim for my life in a shark attack but once I had to doggy-paddle really fast to get out of a pool when it was dessert time.
Me (on a plane): oh dang my friends are going to flip when I send a pic of this airplane wing and the clouds
I’ll judge you by the way you treat people.
Also by your music and book preferences, but mostly the first thing.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
TWO hops this time?
In this economy?
DRAGON: get AWAY from me
ME: let me pet ur scales pls
DRAGON: I don’t even KNOW u
ME: breathe fire on me
DRAGON: *is creeped out*
The right sneeze can adjust a tampon.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
BABY WARDEN: ok lights out
BABY INMATES: but we’re scared of the dark
[pitch black]
BABY WARDEN: oh shit lights back on! lights back on!
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
First person to build a clock had no idea how long it took.
The government has officially replaced all measurements of time with fruit. More news at banana.
Sent this guy 27 texts in the last hour and haven’t heard back so I guess I should probably drive over to his house and make sure he’s okay.
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Humankind: *evolves sophisticated language skills over thousands of years*
Guys talking to women online: Hey
companies sending a rejection email after i apply for yet another role with them
wife: Why is 9 crying?
me: Because it’s raining and he’s getting wet
wife: But we’re at a water park
me *takes a drink from my flask* Yep