I know we have a lot of problems but never forget that about 100 years ago we suddenly made most horses unemployed and someday soon they will have their revenge.
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that’s it, I’m firing that gardener
[me, trying to join a conversation about Game of Thrones] oh man, there are just so many thrones, I don’t have a favorite really
Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.
[toddler birthday party]
Stranger: my child is 36 months old. how old is yours?
Wife: mine’s-
Me: hey babe, I hurt my toe in the bouncy house. can you drive to the ER so I can eat my cake?
Wife: -432 months.
The best way to surprise your girlfriend with flowers is by not giving them to her when your wife’s there.
Tune in tomorrow for another secret the Illuminati don’t want you to know.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Finally found a use for one of my old bridesmaid dresses. I feel like the prettiest girl in Home Depot.
Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.
On your first day in prison, make sure you go up to the warden and compliment the décor.
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Life Coach: there are 2 wolves inside of you. The one that-
Me: are they ghosts? Spirit wolves? Do I have wolf powers or-
Life Coach: *slowly returning business card to wallet*
Never seen a bar fight break out while people are drinking wine. Beer, yes. Hard liquor, yes. But not wine.
What do you call a moose with no name?
Anonymoose.
Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Way back when, I thought technology would look more like flying cars and less like me yelling “The laptop’s not a touch screen,” at my kids.
Me: Make sure Jnr. gets straight A’s…[slides envelope]
Teacher: Is this what I think it is?
Me:[nods] You can use it to send letters & stuff
in the mood to pterodactyl scream at anyone who steps into a 3 foot radius of my body unless they’ve got a bowl of mashed potatoes to offer me
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
Geppetto: So, I know this is literally the first day you’re alive, but Imma need you to go to school
Pinocchio: WTF, dude?
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Remember that Pi Day is just a made-up holiday invented by mathematicians to sell you more math.
the kids’ music school announced a summer live family dance jam every wed at 11am, yeah ok, schedule this at a respectable drinking hour if you expect me to do this, but also, no
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
I reached blindly inside my cavernous mom bag for a lip balm and I touched something I didn’t recognize. Go on without me.
I fart in church so I can sit in my own pew.