This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
You Might Also Like
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here
I was in a gang once. We wore blue, traveled in packs, and ruled our turf with shiny instruments…wait. Band. I was in the marching band.
Autocorrect wants to capitalize bacon, out of respect.
I have a friend who’s SUPER into Shakespeare.
She’s bardcore.
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Interviewer:
“This is a very impressive résumé.”Me:
“This is a creative writing job I’m applying for, no?”
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. Don’t talk to the cashier get your shit and move on. If you need someone to talk too get a parrot
Hot hot hot 🥵
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
I can claim not to have a best-loved child but one of my kids just said his first favorite thing is cleaning and his second favorite is reading so you know I am lying if I deny it
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
[Boss hands me 12 pages of complaints about my smart-ass remarks]
Me: so I guess the whole “we’re going paperless” rules dont apply to you?
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
Іf you can’t afford therapy try garlic bread.
When you kidnap a writer.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Her: What are your desires?
Me: My desires are..[imagines having a talking Pug named Maurice that I watch Netflix with]…Unconventional.
Scientists say Jupiter cant support human life but maybe Jupiter’s just really focused on her career for now. Why be so judgmental, science?
It was worth a shot 😂
Why don’t adult cereals come with prizes?
A pill organizer
Post it notes
Vouchers for gas
…And so on.
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
“I wouldn’t.”
Me: I’ve finally finished that jigsaw puzzle!
Her: YOU DRUNK! It took you 6 months!
Me: On the box it said 2 to 4 years!
doctor: are u drinking enough fluids
me: i’ve never drunk anything else