Salad is by far the lamest type of bar.
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I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
Me, massively hungover, listening to my coworker telling me about their weekend:
My kids can be so quiet, comatose almost. Until I am on a phone call.
A man was hospitalized with 6 plastic horses up his bum. Doctors described his condition as “stable”. #manicmonday
[at a party]
Friend: let’s play this game that most of us know
Me: idk how to play, can 7 of you yell the different rules at me all at once?
Once again not all heroes wear capes
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.
I had abstinence-only sex education when I was in high school.
It was called Dungeons and Dragons.
[daughter going on a date]
ME: I want her back at 9
DAUGHTER: dad, I’m 22
ME: you were cuter at 9
If you enjoyed calling strangers and hanging up when you were 10 years old, perhaps a career in telemarketing is for you.
[Wife sweeping up all the dog hair into one big pile and answers the phone]
30 seconds later…
Kid: Look mom fur angels
“I see you have created a tiny human. I, too, have done this.”
-me trying to make mom friends. Should I not whisper it? I’ll try shouting
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
No parenting book or blog or sage advice warned me of having two kids in a car Rickrolling me by singing “Never gonna pick you up, never gonna drop you off” over and over on every school run
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
After weeks of late night cheese benders…Brenda couldn’t help but wonder…where did it all go wrong
But seriously- how do Superheroes even go to the bathroom?
I mean, look at their costumes.
I sleep better naked, why cant the flight attendant understand that?
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
I tried to make a batch of rum balls. But now they’re just balls and i’m drunk.
Me: Sweetie, I think these wireless headphones you got me are defective.
Wife: Those are earmuffs.
All of my best fantasies include a French maid. She cleans the house while I nap.
Me: Well honey, this place is ripe for arson
Realtor: Right for your son? Oh yes
Me: This house will be coals
Realtor: Cole is a lovely name