After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
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If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
Drink this wine, it’s the blood of Christ.Eat this bread, it’s the body of Christ.Jesus pulls out hotdog, “Now hear me out”
I got fruit flies
they’re multiplying
and I’m losing control
cuz the bananas
my kids are supplying
they’re liquefying
Trash truck: [emptying my garbage bins]
Me [running out of house with 2020 under my arms]: HOLD ON A MINUTE
Welcome to your fifties; you have a favourite hip now.
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I lost my voice so basically I’m every mans dream girl right now.
Do not believe the promises made during foreplay!!
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
Me: I’m sorry; I don’t remember your name. I know it starts with an S though…. Sledgehammer, Salamander, Slappy…
Him: Steve…my name is Steve.
Me: Yeah, no, I would’ve never gotten that.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
[animal noises] it’s only those with a destination who can be lost
Amazon will acquire Roomba and there’s nothing scary about Alexa on wheels.
ME: Distinguished fellow, have you seen a monster in this Loch?
LOCHNESS MONSTER (wearing a massive fake mustache): *monster noises*
Who called them friends with benefits and not bedable arrangements?
Me: I have a headache.
WebMD: and it will be your last.
Getting married at 22 sounds a lot like leaving a party at 9:30pm.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
It’s just a bunch of grown men too stubborn to ask for directions, so they are driving around in circles.
~Me explaining NASCAR to my daughter
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
My wife wants to go on a romantic date for Valentine’s Day so I guess I’ll stay home with the kids.
When you order 20 bananas and end up with 20 *bunches*…
What do you call a monkey in a mine field?
A babooom!
[swirls, sniffs and sips red wine]
Yes, this is delicious. I will have a glass.
Ma’am, this is a church, let go of the cup and sit down.
Saw a Police Officer standing right in the middle of the road, in front of traffic, with his hand up, but when I go in for the high 5 suddenly I’m the idiot.
Spider-man never tweets via iPhone. He’s a web kinda guy.
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.