So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
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My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
Me, telling the kids were eating Mexican tonight.
13, on phone with friend: We’re going to eat chinchillas for dinner…
Me: CHIMICHANGAS!! It’s chimichangas not chinchillas…🤦🏻♀️
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
My boyfriend hates my driving, but it’s ok because he’s imaginary.
If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
Who’s the idiot that named them killer whales instead of panda sharks
Iron Man died in a house fire from leaving himself on.
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
The fact that my AC suggests “church” after “I’m heading to…” suggests I have a dumb phone instead of a smart phone.
Before you marry someone, try decorating a Christmas tree together.
“I can’t believe you string lights like that, Brad. I’m out.”
me: i need to talk to someone about making some changes to my nose
plastic surgeon: ok i’m all ears
me: I need to speak to someone else then
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
road rage
in other news: 8 hours from now, half the country will be screaming about tragedy and loss b/c some dudes didnt catch a ball enough times
Me: Could you tell me where the fitness center is located?
Flight attendant: Please return to your seat.
older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
[My son’s 1st day of school]
ME [in tears] it’s just gone way too fast
TEACHER: Even so, you have to take him home now
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Cashier: “Sir, the toilet paper you’re buying goes on sale tomorrow.”
“COOL, I’LL CHECK WITH MY FAMILY TO SEE IF THEY CAN HOLD IT IN.”
I miss payphones. Sometimes you just wanna say hello to someone and also get hepatitis.
Thinking about the time a professor commented ‘please justify in the final version’ on my draft and I spent around a 1000 words justifying what I wrote but turns out all she wanted was for me to justify the text alignment 😭
Got fired from the duty free store for never showing up which is very misleading and also bullshit.
Why do baby clothes have pockets. What do babies have to carry?