I made some fish tacos last night.
the ingrates just ignored them and swam away
You Might Also Like
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
“I’m the world champion of hearing,” I lied to the girl at the bar. 20 minutes later the real world champion burst in and hit me in the jaw
House for sale. Spider on ceiling.
Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
[deparment store]
Employee: ma’am, i’m sorry but we only allow service animals inside
Me: this is my service dog *gestures to snake wearing a labrador retriever costume*
Snake: woofssssss
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
wait did that Australian guy say “meteorite” or “mate are ya alright?”
*gets hit by a meteorite*
“hey mate are ya alri… no you’re dead*
I can’t believe I have the audacity to say things to my kids like, “if you were actually hungry you would eat those vegetables.”
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
Friend: How are you doing?
Me *reading a book about the identification & use of medicinal plants, so that I have a viable apocalypse skill to barter on the offchance of a complete societal breakdown* Fine.
my dog when i have a friend over
Why drive 6 minutes for food when I can order doordash for $93
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
It’s like the world is being written by a third grader now.
“Then the virus came, and then there was no toilet paper, and then schools closed, and then there was a tsunami!!!”
Men always be like “if you liked me, why didn’t you say something” like ?! bro I am literally out here clutching my rose quartz pendant and saying your name three times with my eyes closed every night before I fall asleep.
What more could I have done?
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
i’m wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly
Buddhist Monk sees kid in Nirvana t-shirt:
“You like Nirvana? What’s your favorite step on the 8-fold Path?”
Kid: Nevermind
“Yeah, me, too.”
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
Donate one kidney and you’re a hero. Donate a couple more and suddenly you’re a monster
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
[taking atendance]
teacher: jimmy
jimmy: here
teacher: susie
susie: here
teacher: (sighs) omnipresemt sentinel
omnipresent sentinel: always
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
DOCTOR: At a guess, how much alcohol do you drink in a day?
ME: Hardly any
D: That’s excellent
ME [swigs vodka] But I’m a terrible guesser
Your lips say no, but your eyes say- oh shit she’s calling the cops!