My wife left me because of my gambling addiction.
But I know I can win her back.
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Me: YOU CAN DO IT SON!
Son: Why are you being so encouraging? Are you drunk?
Me: Yep. So pass your driving test or we’re walking home.
what sorcery is this? How does my VLC player know its christmas ????
I’ve never understood the purpose of apps like Nextdoor. It sounds like it’s all just insane people looking out their window and then writing “suspicious man in brown shirt and shorts left three suspicious boxes in our lobby”
The Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Dressing for the job I want…
The Wife: PUT YOUR CLOTHES ON.
Guy knocking on bathroom door after sex:
I think I love you.Me stringing tampons together, making a rope to climb out the window:
Okay….
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
I’m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that’s how weather works.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
Wouldn’t that be a cool twist if World War 3 turned out to be a U.S.-Russia thing after all? “So retro!”, you’d think as you were vaporized.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
People say “loose lips sink ships”. But history would confirm it’s definitely icebergs
Every time my husband wakes me up to tell me I’m snoring we end up having sex. I’m beginning to question whether or not I snore.
CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
The guy I paid to pave my driveway hasn’t shown up in two weeks.
I’m not worried tho. I’m sure he’ll resurface one day.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Give a fish a worm, he lives another day
Teach a fish to worm, he becomes the best breakdancing fish around
in high school, my mom once asked where i was going from a few rooms over while i was heading out the door.
i yelled “to do drugs!” and she yelled back “haha good one have fun!”
then i left to go do drugs
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Told my boss I would be turning in my badge and my gun. He said you work in IT, why do you have a gun.
I’m smoking about a pack of Canadian Wildfires a day
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Jerk chicken is just regular chicken that didn’t let it’s daughter go to prom
I used to think girls were super nice to each other in bar washrooms until my friend came back from one thinking she should get bangs
An 8 year old just asked me why people in electric cars don’t get electrocuted when it rains and now we’re checking Google
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
narrator: Phoebe outstretches her arms to appear bigger and ward off the door-to-door salesman
I asked my kid if he had a good day at kindergarten and he said it was a really good day and his friend fell off a stool. I don’t know if these two facts are related.
Please send me love and light I went on a walk today and I nodded + smiled politely at someone but they were a Halloween decoration.