In what can only be described as the least surprising coincidence of all time, I just found out that the 5 year-old girl who keeps stealing the buttons off my son’s shirts at school is named Coraline
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FRIEND: Remember, women love confidence
ME: Ok[Later]
DATE: So *smiles* am I gonna have a good time tonight?
ME *confidently* nope
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Dietest Coke
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Ancient guys used to invent good stuff because they never had to untangle their headphones seventy three times every day.
We only cook with fresh, local ingredients so tonight we’re grilling our neighbor’s cat.
Poor superman.he can’t go commando without the whole world noticing
I’ve been training like Rocky lately *cracks Cadbury caramel egg, drinks caramel*
Shoulda named my daughter calculus cause damn she’s complicated.
Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
remains to be seen, not heard
– undertakers
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
I got a $25 gift card to Sephora so I had to come up with $759.67 of my own money to make up the difference on my purchase
I cannot stop laughing at this
When I was younger I was convinced by the time I was this age I’d need a lawyer on retainer, so I’m not sure if I’m winning or sucking at adulting.
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
[Excavation for dino bones]
DIGGER: Sir, we found something BIG!
DOG PALEONTOLOGIST: *tail wags* Ok go for break [salivating] I’ll finish up
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
“Dunkin’ donuts drinks have too many calories” ok stop. You are fundamentally missing the point of going to Dunkin’ Donuts
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
Sleeping Beauty has a pretty good situation going on until Prince Charming came and screwed it up.
it takes a big man to admit when he’s wrong but it takes an even bigger man to give a giraffe a haircut
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs