The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
You Might Also Like
Lion: I heard Adam got kicked out of Eden
Antelope: o no
Lion: looks like we can eat whatever we want
Antelope: omfg
I bought my dad some mugs with little ceramic doggos at the bottom. He just handed me coffee, but, ‘I can’t fill it up more than that or the dog will drown.’
LITTLE MERMAID 2016:
SEA WITCH URSULA: Your voice is mine mwaahahaha!!!
ARIEL: *flicks eyes up; keeps texting*
[day 3: stuck in elevator]
girl: if we don’t eat we’ll die soon
me: *waiting for her to die so I don’t have to share the meatballs in my pocket* how soon?
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
How many people out here using bar soap? I don’t think my kids would even be able to identify it
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
my friend’s apartment building burned down so he’s at his parents’ and he still won’t hang out with me. HOW MANY MORE FIRES DO I NEED TO SET
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
batman: I protect the innocent, the helpless, the people with no one left to save them
alfred: right
batman: also need you to make another costume, I adopted an angsty orphan and wanna send him to fight an insane clown
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
*Japanese Zen garden tour*
Guide: It’s important to be quiet & not disturb the-
*Me from back eating huge bag of chips*: DUDE WE CANT HEAR U
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
You hear the q-tip screaming deep in your ear canal. This means you’re doing a good job.
haunted house: get. out.
me: (telling spicy gossip) right?
[Nightclub]
Me: *shouting over the loud music at the bartender* I NEED HOT WATER FOR MY CUP O’ NOODLES
Hearing a toddler say “uh oh” from a different room: cheaper than joining a gym and just as effective a workout
Realtor: Hi. Would you like a tour?
Me: (stuffing cookies in my purse) The sign said there would be sandwiches too.
My husband says it’s not my chin hairs that embarrass him, it’s how I’m constantly trying to yank them out in public.
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
Me: I think this is going pretty well.
Date: You dropped a chicken wing down your shirt and yelled ‘chicken breast!’
Me: *mouth full of pasta* mm-hmm
At the grocery store some old lady seemed like she was hitting on me. Turns out we went to school together.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
Dan and I had been lovingly gazing at each other in silence for a couple of seconds and at the same moment I eventually said “you’re very handsome” he blurted out “do you think I’d be a good mayor”.
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again