I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
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I’m not a mechanic so I don’t know why, but my car seems to make a screaming noise whenever I run over people.
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
Me: Do not ‘K’ me again.
Daughter: Que
Me: In any language.
Her: SiThis is why I’m crazy.
Me: I’m not interested in this tweet
Twitter: Idgaf
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
r kelly: will you touch this shower quick
king midas: why
zombie kid: why am i being punished
zombie dad: because i found your hand in the cookie jar
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
What do you call a chicken-proofed garden?
Impeccable.
[calls my boss one week after getting fired] what was my mouse sensitivity set to
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Best things to pull:
9 Rank
8 Strings
7 The plug
6 The trigger
5 Your leg
4 Your head out
3 A fast one
2 Yourself together
1 My finger
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
Baker: what should we call these delightful little pastries
Hannibal Lector: lady fingers
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
Sometimes I really want to throw paper at people. Brick shaped Paper. Made of brick.
Fool me once, shame on you
Fool me twice, shame on me
Fool me three times, show me how you do that
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
the only reason i’m gonna go to my 10 year high school reunion is to see if the kid that wore shorts year round is wearing shorts
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
her: I don’t feel like talking
me: uh oh, is it me?
her: not at all, I’m having a hard time
me: uh oh, what did I do?
her: no no, a family member died
me: uh oh, did I kill them?
If I had a dollar for every time I’ve woken up in the planetarium, naked except for a clown wig, hungover, next to a dead cat and the shocked stares of a third grade field trip, I’d have…
*counts*
…twelve dollars.
(Don’t you judge me.)
Posing with your cat to attract men is like posing with your cat to attract men,
*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Protip: Never look up from your breakfast if you hear the words “gruesome discovery” coming from your TV on the morning news.