My wife is in the kitchen and she will not bring me a beer here in the living room. That’s it…gonna text her and say “I cannot believe how lazy you are.
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me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don’t be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Wine is like tapdancing, I can never tell if it’s good or bad
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
I don’t get vegetables on my pizza because I don’t like mixing business with pleasure
When you’re in the shower, and you hear loud thumps and you think
“THEY’RE KILLING MY FAMILY, AND I’LL HAVE TO FIGHT THE ATTACKER NAKED”
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
animals really be single moms of 6-8 just holding it down daily like girl what
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*
Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!
Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.
Nose
I have a neighbor who will drone on for 15 minutes with the most boring stories ever.
Then when you start to talk she stares off into the distance like she’s looking for someone on a horse to come save her.
I don’t have a gf, but I do know a woman who in the car often asks where this is going so I show her the GPS & she gets mad for some reason.
Each year over 40, one more part of your body becomes audible.
*accidentally makes crinkling noise.
Professor X: What’s your power?
Me: I can turn ice into cats.
Professor X: That’s ridiculous.
Police: [busting in] You’re all under arrest!
Me: I got this!
Polecats: Sonofa…
inmate: hey man why so sad
me: my mom brought me a cake but the warden made me share it with everyone
inmate: didn’t you get a piece though?
me: not the one with the file in it
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
Once upon a time, a woman kissed a frog and found a prince.
*I whisper to myself, filling out another application at the cat shelter*
Don’t snitch tag.
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Turns out 6 foot penguins don’t exist, in related news, I might have just ran over a nun.
Some of you should be ashamed of yourselves. You know who you are. I probably should be too, but this isn’t about me.
ME: sure, but how often do you come across a good peephole?
HER: I asked if you were a “people” person
ME: ohhh…definitely not
Xylophonist Shredding It