Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
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You vacation in America but you refuse to tip? Well what if I came to France but refused to genuflect before the town cheese wheel?
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
People often say to me ‘Please stop making up stories in an effort to become popular’ and to them I say ‘I can’t help it. My mother was Jessica Fletcher’.
Just saw a girl wearing a “BAD GAL” t-shirt so I yelled “NO!” & smacked her on the nose with a rolled up newspaper.
Establish dominance by immediately asking your therapist how they feel about what you just said.
I was asked to distress some pine furniture, so I told a bookcase that I was going to convert it into firewood.
Stayed up for hours with my daughter doing homework last night. She got upset “Daddy, I don’t understand it. I don’t know what it is” but we persevered. We were both tired but I was proud of her. Then today my boss was like “THIS BUSINESS CASE LOOKS LIKE AN 8 YEAR OLD DID IT”
Most embarrassing thing a human being can experience is publicly unrequited love. Second is having the noisy grocery cart.
Math Problem: Tom has 35 apples. Richard gives him another 26. What does Tom have now?
Me: A terrified doctor.
I’m so frustrated at work I’m thinking about eating my Doritos without washing my hands first… or after
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
Champagne says I’m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
“Are you already hot as shit? Then you’ll look hot as shit in our glasses” – Every glasses ad
I’m not as tweet as you drunk I am think.
Top Six Uses Of Strategic Planning:
6. Politics
5. Sports
4. Investing
3. Business
2. Military
1. Returning home from guys/girls night out
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
EDWARD SNOWDEN: I can help determine the writer of that anonymous op-ed
TRUMP: What op-ed?
EDWARD SNOWDEN: Not much, what’s op with you?
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
My wife got home and was mad when she saw I fed my son cake, banana, popcorn and M&M’s for dinner. I was like, “You saw the banana, right?”
*eats 3 edibles*
…am….am I my dogs sugar daddy
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.
What’s the longest you’ve walked around looking for your raccoon when it was on your head the whole time.
My personal best is 16 hours.