Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
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Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
[tries to blow a kiss]
Kiss: I have a boyfriend
Wife: Our dog was put down and then my husband died, it was tough
Medium *nodding* he was the love of your life
Wife: Yes of course!
Medium: He has something to say to you
Wife: omg go on
Medium: woof
Beauty is in the Eye of the:
A) Holder
B) Holder
C) Holder
D) Holder
The only excuse for the kinds of storms that have been coming is that someone somewhere is losing a game of Jumanji…
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
I’m assuming someone paid that frog to croak outside my window all night
“There’s a creepy bleeding witch who doesn’t look friendly. She has cheese though.”
– my husband, deciding whether to interact with a character in a video game
My mom still hasn’t used the roomba I bought her two years ago for Christmas because, quote, “I don’t want it to judge our house.”
[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
There is no real comfortable way to explain to your gynecologist that it’s your feet that smell.
I was dismissed from my responsibilities as church usher because I kept using finger guns to point out available seats.
* pew pew *
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Women are like squirrels, very cute from a distance but will fight when you try to pick them up and get them in your car.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
if ur ever losing an argument all u have to say is “yeah yeah yeah, save it for the judge” and walk away
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
Maybe having my husband talk to my son about how he shouldn’t be running a fantasy football league with his friends at school was a bad idea because my husband’s first question was, “What’s the buy in?”
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
I can’t do small talk I just asked the lady cutting my hair what she does for a living
*Joe Biden nibbles Obama’s ear*
– Please stop it
*Joe whispers* Say it
– No go away
*angrily whispers* Say it!
– …please stop Biden my ear
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.