Cholesterol has a special place in my heart.
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Maybe trying to get out of the car with my seatbelt still on is my car’s way of saying I don’t need to go into the store for more cookies. I dunno.
The average time it takes for an elderly woman to get her ringing cellphone out of her purse is 11 days.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
I’m just a girl standing here wishing I was as thin as my patience
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
I can’t believe that in this day and age, people are still wearing fir.
[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Me: “I’d like to pay by card.”
Waiter: “Contactless?”
Me: “No, you can cuddle me.”
Me: why don’t you ever do things the first time I ask?
5: because I’m 5
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Me: *unsubscribes from marketing emails*
[5 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “emails about our products”
Me: *unsubscribes*
[9 months later]
Company: you didn’t unsubscribe from “client success stories”
Hate to drop this while everyone is focused on the debate but I will henceforth be pronouncing “mouth” the way it is pronounced in Dartmouth. Thank you for your time.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
My 7yo likes to yell, “KEVIN” when she remembers something important she forgot to do.
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE
Hoping my son just tells me he knows I’m the tooth fairy so I don’t break my back trying to ninja this dollar under his pillow tonight
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
The best shot in the history of golf
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?