Jesus: [walking past a pond]
[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]
Jesus: [starts walking faster]
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Writers will call anything menacing and I’m just supposed to accept it. “A menacing wind” “a menacing howl in the distance”. Just say you’re scared of wind and corgis. Don’t try to convince me it’s reasonable.
If you call me daddy during sex you’re getting sent home to eat your vegetables.
me: “beetle rabbit”
boss: “that’s a terrible idea for a cartoon”
jim who always steals my ideas but makes them better somehow: “bugs bunny?”
God: you’re a dove.
Dove: ok.
God: do you know what that means?
Dove: white pigeon?
God: what-no it means I’ve chosen you to represent my Holy Spirit.
Dove: [scared] g-ghost pigeon?
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
always think about a caveman losing a baby tooth and being like “this can’t be good” and then several years later losing an adult tooth and thinking “no big deal it’ll grow back”
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
I put my pants on just like everyone else.
When the manager at Chili’s asks me to.
If by bandwidth you’re talking about the elastic in the underwear around my waist, then yes…I have a lot of bandwidth.
Just saw a touching BP commercial where BP congratulates BP for doing some of what BP was legally required to do after it wrecked the earth.
*opens fridge door, looking for friends *
When you’re anti-social, knowing you’re not alone is both comforting and disconcerting.
*I cycle off mt Rushmore and fall to my death but my bicycle lands on the end of Lincolns nose and makes a perfect pair of reading glasses*
With dog videos it’s just “I love you,” but with cat videos there’s betrayal, intrigue, deception, hubris, conspiracy, infamy and occasionally “I love you.”
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
I was so anxious to social distance myself from my wife today that I went out and picked weeds in the yard.
Are you having a nice Tuesday or did your daughter remember this morning that she volunteered to bring 150 baby carrots to school today?
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
Why use words you don’t understand in your tweets? It just makes you look photosynthesis.
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
I’m not saying I’m a mythical creature, I’m just saying that I am single on Twitter & also in real life.
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
you know you’re related when you visit your cousin and find her crying because she dropped her cake pop.
I’m consistently puzzled by how “you ain’t shit” is an insult while “you’re the shit” is a compliment
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
After all this Starbucks cup controversy, if Taco Bell was smart, they’d start serving their burritos in little cardboard mangers
Do bouncers get paid in toothpicks or are they a part of their uniform, or what exactly is the deal here?