An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
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I think my nephew finally figured out that there’s no chameleon in this cage & that his Xmas present is a cage.
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
Me: 3 miles today.
Him: On the treadmill?
Me: No, scrolling on Twitter.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
beyond meat implies the existence of bed meat and bath meat
dudes be like “oh you “love” this band? name 72 of their songs” pump the brakes Tyler, you can’t name your child’s pediatrician
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
[me as a realtor]
the crawl space is probably full of bones already but you can always add more bones yourself
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
me: I just don’t think this relationship is healthy for either of us
bucket of fried chicken:
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Me: You’re going to daycare today
3: Okay
Me: We’re almost at daycare
3: Okay
Me: We’re at daycare
3: *bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
3: I didn’t know I was going to daycare
Him: you seem disappointed
Me: i just thought we were staying at a sweet
Him: this is a suite
Me: *licking the wall again* these are not gingerbread Patrick!
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Glad my car insurance company requires a 10 character password to log-in. Wouldn’t want someone to hack in and…pay my insurance bill
Whoever made this compilation of Mel Blanc screaming in different cartoons is a saint.
If sex doesn’t include peanut butter, a live mongoose, and my psychiatrist taking notes then I don’t want it.
Why do they have to make things childproof when I’m still functioning at a kindergarten level of dexterity
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
[At the pearly gates]
Me: what was it like, watching my life from up here?
Saint Peter: the book was so much better.
[montage of me giving-up]
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
Me, to everyone: Why can’t I fall asleep
Everyone: Lack of exercise and too much caffeine
Me, to internet: Why can’t I fall asleep
Internet: European dragon flu
Me: Oh nooooo
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.