*texts son “dont say me” as wife heads to his bedroom*
wife to son: why did you put next years date on your science paper about time travel?
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Me [trying to get respect from my family after eating 12 hotdogs] how many more hotdogs do I need to eat before you respect me?
Mom: we just want you to get a job. Give me the *sound of a struggle* hotdogs
“EVERYONE IS ENGAGED BUT YOU” – facebook
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
Just a reminder that with Die Hard, Robin Hood and Love Actually, ‘Alan Rickman ruins Christmas’ is a whole movie subgenre.
[Every restaurant ever]
Manager: “Has he got a mouthful of food?”
Waiter: “Yes.”
Manager: “Go and ask him how his meal is.”
I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink
College football is great bc every guy on the field is the best football player to come out his HS in years or perhaps ever but then you get a matchup where one of the guys is a future 9x Pro Bowler & the other guy is a future litigation attorney and thats when the magic happens
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
What I say: Be ready, we are leaving in five minutes.
What the child hears: Get undressed. Start finger painting. Lose at least one shoe.
Is someone who’s bound by ropes in a cannibals basement considered tie food?
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Me: *Trying to experiment in bed*
Her: *looking up from her book* What’s with the lab coat?
*weigh myself*
Hmmmm…
*weigh myself on different scales and am two pounds lighter*
Ah these are more accurate…
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
I married a smart, funny, handsome accountant, but let’s be honest, mostly I was hoping to never have to do math again.
Me: Do you know the difference between hot and cold?
4: They both rhyme, daddy!
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
How about the No Bucket Challenge? Basically you just give a charity some money and don’t tell anyone about it.
I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
“Go ahead caller”
Why radio DJ’s should never work a suicide hotline…
[desert island diary – day 1]
4:15 pm: Got one call out of my cell phone before it died. Now I wait.
5:25 pm: That pizza is definitely free