If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
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Just watched my husband flick a stink bug from the ottoman and I am not okay.
How many bugs have just been relocated and not removed?!?
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
He is on that bird call website a lot.
– My Mom describing me on twitter to older relatives at get-togethers.
I was worried my kids would never know the joy of a commercial break, and then we got Hulu
Pastor: pray for your enemies.
Me: Dear god, please kill all of my enemies.
Pastor: no! Not like that!
Me: too late. I already said amen.
Jesus said if a man strikes you, to turn the other cheek
…but the rest of the instructions are, plant foot, use your legs and throw a right hook back!!
– my Dad
My favorite new hobby is putting on an orange apron and giving people horrible and incorrect construction advice at Home Depot
I hate dealing with fresh garlic. Each individual clove with their little f***ing paperwork.
I thought my wife was super pissed at me, but it turns out she was only “disappointed” in me. Thank God, I definitely dodged a bullet there
“So, what’s the plan?”
“You walk up and do your whole ‘rawr rawr’ shtick, and I’ll sneak around and grab their sammiches.”
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
Oh, you’re about to earn your 3rd master’s degree? I’m still working on spelling “bananas” without singing “Hollaback Girl” in my head.
it’s ok earthquake, i’m only a 4.8 in new york too
me texting friend: ooh what happened?!
friend: *sends elaborate voice note *
me to myself: guess I’ll never know
Gov. Jan Brewer: “I’ll look into the botched execution, but I’m sure he didn’t suffer because I asked him after and he didn’t say anything.”
I’m sorry I said your baby has a face for radio.
My wife finished her shampoo and conditioner at the same time and now I’m worried I married a witch
No regrets in 2018
Sex is great but have you tried taking a shower after a week of camping?
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
TSA agent: I’m sorry we don’t allow liquids over 3.4 ounces
me: ok I’ll finish it here [drenches myself with Axe deodorant]
Therapist: did the other kids tease you back in school?
Me: no
Therapist: no come on, they must have
my boss was like “people working from home are just pretending to work” and it’s like, dude, what do you think i’m doing in the office?
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
No one told me we would be forced to eat brussel sprouts at that haunted house.
Why is it like a quirky thing that Biden likes ice cream. Call me when he starts eating a bowl of whole peppercorns