we’ve tasted blood now. celebrities must fight to the death for the oscars from now on
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professor x: whats your superpower
ostrich: i lay big egg
professor x [telepathically to xmen]: i can save us money on breakfast
ostrich [telepathically]: egg no for sale
My ex-girlfriend had weekly lessons with the devil on how to become more evil. I still don’t know how much she charges him though
surprise your partner in the bedroom by loudly turning into a helicopter
In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
8yo asked y we had an analog clock on the wall but I didn’t know what analog meant so I panicked & told her time was an illusion
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
I’m spending my adult life behind bars, or as my spouse likes to call it, married
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
I wonder if Spiderman and Batman ever fight over who gets to eat the best bugs.
At marathons I like to put glitter in cups so when participants grab one and throw it in their face they get a party instead of hydration
I’m not saying I’m a conspiracy theorist, but I swear some of these typos have been planted.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
[Party]
Her: *Nervous* I don’t know anybody
Him: It’s ok I’ll introduce you *into mic* hailing from Detroit & weighing in at I dunno 180lb
dad: i’ve got something special for you.
kid me: wow what is it?
dad: a $2 bill. they don’t make them anymore and the artwork is really-
kid me: oh boy i’m gonna buy two cokes.
-I can’t stand liars and fakes
-You are so pretty
-See? Why can’t everyone be honest like you
Me: My computer broke
IT guy: What have you tried so far?
Me: Everything
IT guy:
Me: I shook the mouse a few times and did some swearing
ME: *trying to highlight text*
WORD: and the last letter of previous word?
ME: no, why? just follow my cursor
WORD: ok so just half this word?
ME: the whole word
WORD: k
ME: wtf
WORD: oops
ME: the word is gone
WORD: the word is gone
When the atm charges you 3.50 to take out your own money but tells you to cover your pin so you don’t get robbed
A good friend will delete your browser history for you, but a best friend will make your chalk lines smaller
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
one pride i got into an uber wearing a pride flag as a dress & the driver immediately put on christian radio. i started singing along bc i knew the song from childhood & ive never seen a more confused man in my life
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
HR: Know why we called you down?
Me: Hmm…my trench coat?
HR: Try again.
Me: Because I’m naked under my trench coat?
Gatsby: *pouring wine* After all, they DO call me the Grape Gatsby
Daisy Buchanan: Wow they really call you the Great Gatsby?
Gatsby: … Yup
HER: Did you eat my Milk Duds?
ME: *silently chews for 7 minutes, finally swallows* first of all, i don’t appreciate your accusations
I’m buying more booze than ever these days. Wonder if I need an intervention. I’d hate to become a shopaholic.