Every time my phone rings
You Might Also Like
The truck in front of me is hauling a fridge. Freezer just flew open and a chicken nugget hit my windshield.
Day. Made.
I asked my kid to sweep the floor and she said “Okay, but only if I can mop too”, so now I need to figure out whose baby I accidentally took home from the hospital
Dad has his phone in a protective case that could survive a lunar landing but growing up I don’t remember us kids ever wearing a seat belt.
Finally got around to emptying vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.
Me: No more treats, pal. You’ve already had three.
Dog: Dude, you think I have any idea what “three” means? I’m not even sure how many legs I have.
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.
Whenever I see an unsecured WiFi, I just assume it’s owned by a chimpanzee sitting in a room and hitting a keyboard with a hammer.
My obsession with building townhouses is going to give me a complex one of these days.
basketball’s all like gimme that pumpkin i need it and golf is all like ***k this egg imma hit it into the sun
My kids are out of town so I’m going to get wild and drink my coffee while it’s still hot.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
*Opens a Volkswagen restoration shop called “The Old Volks Home”*
Why procrastinate today when you can procrastinate tomorrow?
Me: So what are you giving up for Lent?
Rick Astley: *tearing up*
Me: oh no
Bull: [angrily snorts]
Bulldog: [angrily barks]
French Bulldog: [angrily chain smokes while reading Sartre]
The first Saw movie should have been called Footloose.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
It’s weird how horses can run so fast but still suck at every other sport.
I haven’t won anything since I did my kid’s fifth grade science fair project.
current fitness level: can you spot me while I pick up this blanket?
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
If God is a woman then how do you explain:
1) Spiders
2) Shoes you can’t afford
3) Periods
4) Men
me *choking on a piece of popcorn*
cat: Finally
You know the sex is bad when you start counting how many bugs got caught in the ceiling fan, and much worse when you only make it to three
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.