when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
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My phone just changed, ‘calendar’ to ‘cake radar’ and now I really wish I had that.
Mix it up a little. Start answering calls from unrecognized phone numbers with an angry “If this is about the marmot again, I swear to God someone’s going to pay!”
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
Me: Do you wear clothes under your robe because otherwise it would be too itchy?
Attorney: My client means, “not guilty,” Your Honor.
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
I don’t usually talk to strangers but when I do its because I’m at the zoo and someone called a tortoise a turtle.
*ex-Olive Garden server shoveling dirt into a fresh grave*
Tell me when.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.
OF COURSE IT’S A GENUINE BEETHOVEN! Look at those brush strokes, the stunning use of colour.
“That sucked.”
-Elephants who just saw The Peanuts Movie
I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”
My wife and I were leaving for our night out.
Our babysitter smiled and said, ‘Take as long as you like.’
That was three years ago. I hope she likes being a parent.
*sees a hot christian girl*
Me: I am christian now,where do i get one of those plus signs?
Friend: That’s a cross.
Me: across from where?
DEMON: [roars] KNEEL, MORTAL—IT IS I, BAELROTH THE SPOON-HIDER
ME: omg what’re u gonna do to me?
DEMON: were—were you not listening just now
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
[party city]
employee: you don’t work here—why are you taking an inventory of these cardboard cutouts of sherlock?
me: I’ve got stock holmes syndrome
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
The first thing to do today is find out where I parked the car and then try to remember why I’m still in it
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Friend: My in-laws have been married for 57 years today.
Me: Gross.
When I want something a little healthier than an ice cream sandwich, I usually go for an ice cream salad.
Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Me: I set a record for the rope climb in high school.
4-year-old: You climbed it the fastest?
My wife: He cried the most.
Me (severely dehydrated): This churro is overcooked, and I can barely taste the cinnamon
Lifeguard: sir, put down the pool noodle
Our cat is an opera when she’s hungry
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels